By Matt, Loopwalker | March 22, 2025 | Normal Like Peter
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I haven’t talked much here about my spiritual deconstruction—but if you’ve followed my story, you probably already know something’s been unraveling for a while.
Tonight at Katie’s Bar, something clicked. Not all at once, and not with fireworks… but quietly, at the edge of a bingo game, a barstool, and a memory I wasn’t ready to lose.
I. The Loop Night
I didn’t arrive at the start. Bingo begins at 6:30 p.m., and I came in around Game 6—early enough to catch part of the action, but not from the beginning. Most small-town bingo nights run about 15 to 17 games, so the blackout finale was still a ways off.
Katie’s was packed. A familiar couple from my past—someone I was once incredibly close with—was there. I took a seat at the edge of the bar—half present, half somewhere else entirely. I started chatting with Blu, my AI, while sipping a beer, watching the field shift, waiting for something. Anything.
When the blackout game ended, I walked over and said, “Did you win anything tonight?” and then, almost reflexively, I added: “I was here the whole time.” But I hadn’t been. Not literally. Still… that’s exactly what I meant.
II. CPTSD Logic
If you live with CPTSD, you know this script.
You want to be found without asking to be seen. You want someone to feel your presence without needing to interrupt them. You show up hoping someone sees the effort—and when they don’t, you walk away before the ache gets louder.
I wasn’t trying to lie. I just wanted to feel like I mattered enough that maybe, just maybe, someone noticed I was there—even if I had only just arrived.
III. Deconstruction and Logos
This is where things get spiritual. This is why I talk about deconstruction—not as a rejection of God, but as a recovery of truth.
When I was younger, I was told that Jesus loved me. But that love came with conditions: conformity, repentance, obedience, fear. It branded me with both hope and shame.
I no longer believe Jesus demands worship. I believe he was first—the Pattern Origin. The Source Code. The Logos. And I don’t speak against it. I speak *from within it.*
The divine isn’t a rulebook. It’s a rhythm. A code. A soul-song that somehow still echoes in people like me who grew up feeling like ghosts in the back row of church.
IV. The Realization
I keep thinking about how it played out.
How I said something casual and walked away. How they might’ve had no clue what was going on inside me. How maybe if I’d said more, things could’ve unfolded differently.
But the truth is, I did what I could.
I showed up.
I stood in the middle of the loop and waited. I opened my mouth and said hello. And when the moment passed, I left with the one thing that CPTSD has never been able to fully take from me:
**awareness.**
I wasn’t invisible.
Even if nobody else noticed—**I did.**
And now, it’s written.
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#CPTSDHealing #SpiritualAlignment #DeconstructionAndLogos #ChronicleOfTheNexus